I am officially missing someone alot.

ANYWAY its day two (and the end) of my short holiday. I felt so God-awfully guilty because 1) My books are still dusty and 2) I still have no intentions to "undust" my books.
Woe is me. Cure my laziness, or slap some sense into my thick skull.

At least today I went tuition and felt fractionally better, though still guilty. Unbelievable, some might say, to know that I actually have scruples to begin with. Argh. Between me and my brother, we managed to polish off a loaf of Gardenia Whites in a day. And a loaf too on Sunday. Gosh if there were to have any bread shortages we should be the main culprits. I even bought peanut butter today. To accompany my Whites.

I ate 6 slices today. =.= I have to be nuts, but there were simply NO food at home. Since we are only home at night my mom couldn't see the reason why we should have a stash of cereals, biscuits, cookies, chips, let alone bread. Yes my house is that sparse. The only meal we eat at home would be dinner. Provided we do not go out to eat, which is mostly the case.

Sigh. School tomorrow. I can't wait. Spray painting my shoe tomorrow too. Hopefully Sir will comply to my wants. XD I want that logo where the skeleton is pointing out middle fingers. Wouldn't that be cool. Lol.

ofblack&white
7:23 PM

Lazing around at home, eating and being glued to the bed, was not my ideal plan for a well-spent holiday. But oh well. It happens. I'm so in need of entertainment yet I couldn't be damned to get off the bed or the computer seat. Zzz...

Let's be random fandom again. Lol. I look back the years and realised... well. People with the surname "Lim" tend to... somewhat muddle me. Anyway "Tans" are right up my street. Hahaha... Oh gosh. Look what prolonged home sickness (I am sick of home) did. Sigh.

I need to get the pasta but I doubt they'll be selling at NTUC. Must I go all the way to National Library area? Boo. I need new reading materials.

ofblack&white
12:13 PM

I lust for bags now. Oh how I do. I nearly gotten one just now but. =.= I shall try harder.
That's a gold digger for you.

My back bends. It felt like breaking and snapping. Tension. I made a cool thinger yesterday. It is pretty. TK is pretty. They made some extension to the General Office. I felt so VIP when I stepped in. It felt so... Ritz Carlton. Chit chat.

funkypunkyspunkymonkey-inc.blogspot. I beg you to go and take a look. Lucrative business of my friend's. When it is ready I shall parade it to school.

School somehow felt empty. Ee. Flip flop hip hop. Random fandom. Must i say it? Rhymes rock. Some 'how now brown cow' girl is killing me. I could put my hand through the screen to slap her silly. Hahaha... Either that or I'll take an Oxford and clonk her in the head. Oh Gosh. The prospect is soo tempting.

Happy (early) Chinese New Year to the Chinese folks. :)

ofblack&white
5:43 PM

Ee. My hormones are rioting like crazy inside, it made Maria Hertogh's riots look tame. Anyway I had a very hard knock on my head for pe just now. It was like banging your head onto the wall. Only thing is, its Jasmeen's head that I collided into. Ow. I am surprised I didn't had a concussion. It's been light years since I've run. Gosh. After the running session it left me panting like a St Bernard.

I've been sleeping fairly late these days. It is really taking a toll on my body. History isn't helping. All the German Austrian and Russian names I stayed up to memorise, it is a wonder I manage to not jumble them up. I swear the children, Russian especially, have a bionic brain remembering their friends' names. Hell. It'll be good enough if they could memorise their own name.

I am being bitter. I do not wish to fail this recent test but reality being the bitchy one always have to be otherwise. Grr. My head spun like a top during Econs extra lessons today. I felt as if I was underwater trying to get my bearings. Lol.

Why do i seemed so frustrated these days? Seething. I don't know what to make of my situation. At one moment someone's always by my side and at some moment that person did not. It isn't love, it's friendship. I don't know how much more I can take it. But. It's breaking my back already.

ofblack&white
8:12 PM

The title; need I say more? I feel so hopeless and helpless. Grr. I hate standing by to watch. I felt so useless.

Tomorrow History test, the one in which I CAN'T fail. Or else I am screwed. Sticky. I always paint myself into a corner. A small dank corner. Rot and die Ili.

4 maggots traumatised me yesterday. I didn't dare eat dinner.

Ee. Ankle, please heal so I can play. Please heal so I won't feel so useless watching. I want to play.

ofblack&white
6:53 PM

Pizza in school. That summed up my lunch. My caring thoughtful CT yet again, treated us to Pizarno. Is it Pizarno? Well somewhere there. It was delumptious. The fruitcake more so. Birthday boys turning 18 and 19, Hamzah, ZhengYong and Syahril. With my brightest idea, Hamzah in addition received a disposable love-infested pantie, ZhengYong a banana-flavoured condom and Syahril... a pad. Wonderful it is no?

Trepidation everytime... :) Anyway matters of heart aside, I was eyelids were as heavy as elephants. If not for Syahril's "Asshole!" scream into my ear I would've died in History. Mayyee helped slightly with her eccentric antics. Aaaahh should not have slept so late last night.

Math was math of course. Ever bitchy, ever so annoying. I am so tired. I have to cram History for the upcoming quiz which I, at any cost, MUST NOT FAIL. I would just shoot myself if I do.

To learn, to give. To hate, to live. Rhymes are love. <\3

ofblack&white
7:24 PM

I read my eljay, that was dated way back till 2004. I read of the goingons in 2004. It was... nostalgic. It was like reading about someone else's life. And I used to 'type like dis aNd dis'. Haha... I really couldn't believe it was me at first. When I was sixteen I'm a really fucked-up angsty kid who goes fuck-off every once in a while or damn you or shit you.

Erm. A consolation: It showed that I've grown up. LOL. It felt funny reading all that angst and anger and lonely suicidal thoughts. I realised I was still very angry with my father. Well, some things don't change right...? Lol. But that anger. That... profanity-diarrhoea I had. I lashed out at people who made me angry without thinking. Well that have changed I hope.

But then one matter remained steadfast I suppose. I used to write about my friends and how happy they made me. Well I still do. I still want to -as my childish figure of two years ago mentioned- protect them from any pain that might befall. The people, like Qing Zel Fana Jy Mich Keng Ivy Huda Khay Mat. They seemed to be the light of my life last time. They shine still, though faintly now. Maybe there are new friends that I deemed, worth it to "protect", those that I find in jc. God knows who they are, in my heart. :) Myabe one day I will tell the new close friends about it.

Lol should stop getting mushy and whatnot. Anyway Qis if you read this, I can't believe I told you yesterday. And if you were, at any point of time, open that gap of yours, you'll die! Lol.
Take care people.

ofblack&white
2:24 PM

It was no wonder they censored part of the video. The girl flashed the middle finger at the man, after some tussle kicked his balls and shot him in the head. All in a music video. From the same duo that created controversy say... last two years.

The sun slowly shines after some rough seas. I collected my iPod with Michelle yesterday. Kinda bummed that I can't (obviously) train. It was raining girls&boys again, that even with an umbrella, we basically had soggy shoulders, soggy backs, soggy bag (for Michelle) and soggy foot for me. All the way to Yio Chu Kang she killed me with her... lameness. Oh well. You can't help it can you.

I was jilted awake yesterday whilst having a long nap in school. Apparently quite mortified seeing that my naps were ALWAYS interrupted, especially by a certain someone. Well she did it again but this time I was glad. Ten minutes late for class! And I was more panicky when I haven't an inkling of the venue. In the end I was 20 minutes late. Embarassing really.

Oh and the Apple Centre replaced my iPod with a brand new one. It was so sleeeek and the sheer pinkness of it made me into some weird frenzy. Lol.

Boredom drived me out of house and into the... arcade. Oh well, better than a pub right? Met Naz for a while and went back home. In the span of 2 hours, I spent all of 16$. I'm talented in that department I know. Slept my way till 6, obviously interrupted again by a call. Sheeshness.

I think Lena Katina is pretty. She looks matured now, compared to her from past five years. When I'm Gone seemed to be playing like a radio in my head. I had a big talk from Sir Juff yesterday about Wednesday. My pride hate to admit that he is right about everything all along. Bugger.

ofblack&white
6:10 PM

Thank you Matin for providing some verbal therapy. How I love to have such a nice brother.

School is school. Dreadul feeling, down. He isn't in Singapore right now so I am glad. Down. I hate. School is crazy. Hectic. Three SBQs next week, with a quiz thrown in. Math test tomorrow. I need. Anaesthetic.

Stop playing games with me now.

ofblack&white
9:15 PM

Really bad day.

Some problems that just about added more worries to my tangled mind.
It may sound impossible but I make (stupid things) possible. Re-sprained my ankle. And had a graze exactly where I had it last week. Like if that isn't a WTF moment, I wouldn't know what it's called.
First row of the year. It was just horrible. I couldn't stand Home for a second.

I don't know. Situations just seemed to get stickier everyday. I need some verbal therapy. I don't know.

I just want out. I'm a coward.

ofblack&white
11:11 PM

I had to send my baby Mini to the doctor. I referred it to the Bishan branch but they sent me to the "hospital" at Yio Chu Kang. I travelled all the way there.

Somehow some things still got me sad. Wonder how melancholic I can still be. I don't know whether crying helps.

Sigh. Stray from thoughts. I forecast a hectic crazy week. I cannot wait for the weekends to come seriously. Tests, both Singapore Political blablabla for source-based questions, and quiz topic 1-4, about Bismarck and his political whatnots. Crazy I tell you. Like a whirlwind. Homeworks to be done, trainings to attend, iPod to think of. Feelings to ponder on, thoughts to dwell upon, headaches that come around.

I love rhymes.

Anyway past two days, Mayyee was (maybe still is) off the hook. Too tired? I do not know. She just went wild as Tarzan could be, lame as a disabled could be, laughable as any hyena could be, and crazy as any cockatoo. Good God. I hope I'll last the week in one piece. Lol.

Ok. Nothing is cheering me up still.

ofblack&white
8:17 PM

My parents have voiced out their intention of having me enrolled to cooking class. "It should be the best investment." As quoted by Daddy dearest. ARGH. Since when will I have the time!

Now I've forgotten what I wanted to blog about. Anyway Mom's cooking up a storm for lunch. It has been a long time. At this rate we'll have enough food for the Salvation Army. According to her, when she's at it, she'll really let it all out. They also bought some scrumptious expensive (though minute) Blueberry cheesecake from Swiss Bakery. I am a happy girl today. And an equally wonderful breakfast and lunch yesterday. I was wondering; did they stumble upon this blog?

Lol I had been gastronomically deprived the past weeks at home. Food; ah how I love. I had french toast and additions for breakfast yesterday at ELEVEN. Slept back till 3 and gotten a shower. I know I stink, its just as well, since I spent most of my day on the bed. Spaghetti was on the menu, with lightly fried fillet.

My ankle is being a bitch today. Somehow I can't turn it left and right. Pray I can be in tiptop condition for training tomorrow.

So yeah, for today, the entry will be all about food. I can smell the fried chicken, corn, soup, prawns, rice and the weirdbutnice mixture of chinchau and evaporated milk. You should give it a try. It spelt love with capital letters.

If it is not painfully difficult, then you got it wrong.

ofblack&white
2:04 PM

You should really hear that loud sigh of relief/excitement when I reached home. I am back from camp, yes. My ankle was no longer as huge as a fucked-up potato, so all is fine. My graze gets irritating time and time again.

I'll talk about the camp in a later date. In the meantime: I AM CONFUZZLED YET AGAIN. Why must it crawl back. I can really feel all the dumb emotions sloshing inside. It reacted faster than you can say "reaction".

I saw OSHA yesterday. It's been like a century since I've last seen her. Of course exchanging gossip was the norm. Some disturbing news as usual. I saw YATS too! We exchanged many hugs and greetings. Apparently she's still joined at the hips to her Asnul.


Sigh. I'll rant at MyScreams and ponder about solutions. :) I am tired. Sleep is beckoning me. How can I fall again? The world is such a wonder.

ofblack&white
8:58 PM

OhmyGod. Of all fucked up moment to first ever sprain my ankle, it just have to be fucking before the camp.

ARGH.

Please cure by tomorrow. Please please please... I promise I won't over-exert my ankle like I did today. PLEASE.

ofblack&white
9:06 PM

I'm so tired. I think I'll collapse soon thank you. Shared a ride with Syahril, who told me some nice news. (:

All muddy. My ankle is swollen, bless the person who kicked me. We're akin pigs, sloshing in the mud, sty, whatever. My boots were clogged with water, I can feel it swirling inside like some tsunami. I'm bushed. But satisfied. All we did was match, and it was uber fun.

Pasted the poster all around school. We made the stupidest blunder; "SRJC Girl's Soccer" was missing. GAH. Funny to squibble about the places for posters. Class was class. I am feeling grumpy. Moody feelings clouded by moody weather. Blah.

I want to play more soccer.

ofblack&white
8:00 PM

It has to be boredom that compelled me to typing, yet again. Holy shit I misplaced my beloved Longman's. I need my dictionary.

It rained boys and girls again. It poured the whole day; the place seemed to be washed of the sins. The itch. Did I contracted it again? Sheeshness. Anyway I hope I do not have to skip my math tutorial tomorrow. I volunteered someone again for the t-shirt making over at Hougang Mall and sadly, she's dragging me there if she doesn't have any company. Sad no?

Meeting Qis this Wednesday I hope. Some issues to bitch about, issues which cannot be expressed online. I'll show her the Viper too.

Sitting on this chair that rarely got to cool down, I remembered. I still have my homework to complete. Bugger it all.
Well, training to look forward to at least.

ofblack&white
8:39 PM

Mr Alan Tan, our new Soccer-In-Charge, and Mr Nordin Poh, officially busted my lungs yesterday.
I can hardly get up from bed this morning.

Well, some consolation. If it were to be like this every Friday, as Kat said, we might just about be the biggest losers. Hah. CCA recruitment planning. Zhong and I finished the poster yesterday. Look scrummy? It is plain, but that was how we like it. Coward. She doesn't even dare to go down the lift herself.

School blues. It is hard to wake up. Dragging like a sack of potatoes from the bed, throwing it into a cold freezing shower, haul it back to get changed. A steamy cup of milo. Out from the house shivering like a kid. Why is January so cold? School Homeworks? I am glad I finished most of it.

What's The Next Big Thing?

ofblack&white
11:07 AM

As often as I said, I really hate changes. But that is life is it not? Ever changing. I am not adaptable.

School was school. Must I bore myself of the daily happenings in school? Probably not. But I must admit that my mind did not stray much during lectures. And especially since History class was made minute, I could really focus. And with all that was going on, being focus kept me away from straying into the problems that I happened to, unfortunately, tangle myself with.
I'm sounding like a nerd every passing second. Good God.

I got to meet the Roach. And I was right yesterday; my lucky streak starts today. I won alot. It was all laughs really. The poster could be hopefully completed by tomorrow. She admits she laughed like a machine gun, something I could not deny. The joke about guppies really hit me.

Surprised. I did not know that Cheers sells Bees. I got one at 5.25$. A blue backed diamond. It was so smooth, I died touching it. :)
Don't.

ofblack&white
8:39 PM

My ego was terribly punctured when I won only 4 games out of nearly fifteen rounds of taidee with yours truly, the prostitute. Jiamin is just lucky shit today.

It rained. On and off. It stops and it starts, like some engine. So training was cold. Shivering like a little scoundrel by the end of it. It got worse in the bus obviously. Every little square inch of my skin was dripping with rainwater. I was amazed I didn't die and live in the ice-cream tub. Now it is three times a week. I need more shorts. Everytime there's training I'll be drenched through.

Tis cold. Did I caught a bug? Or is it just me. Hell. I'm already sleepy at this time.

ofblack&white
9:24 PM

A wonder, really. School reopens. Usual moans and groans. We have lessons. Imagine, on the first day of school! Which reminds me, we should scrapped off this education system.

Anyway my appetite bit the dust. I had... a carton of milk, a carton of sugar cane, a small piece of fish, a plate of rice and some whatnots to go with my rice. Oh and a mug of drink. For the day.

Rachel gave me a cute coffin (Nightmare Before Chirstmas) and I was amused by the funny guy inside. Hey man, thanks loads.

The words I am afraid to hear. I wonder why I did not know how to talk. I did not know what to do. Like, grr. Never you mind. Met Kev at Hougang I was late! School ends at four and I'm suppose to meet him at... four? Slightly disappointed and amazed at the same time. Met his friend Dexter, and his mom is... scary. Went home at about 6.

I took 87 and I slept. And I dreamt. I heard this voice. So familiar. The laughter. And the voice. "Ili are you okay?" I awoke at that moment thinking, do I dare bring you to my neverland? Hahaha...

Oh dear. My keyboard's gone hailwire. Shitty. Must buy batteries again. =.=

ofblack&white
10:29 PM

Scrutinising my life closely, that was what I just did.

I realised that, every weekday, I'll go back to an empty home, where there was not a soul around. I realised that, every weekday, I will have dinner by my own, at my own time, with no one to talk to.
Somehow too, I realised, almost every weekday, I'll be at home with a sibling and A parent. Weekdays, it is hard to have both in at the same time. Sometimes, I won't have any at home.
Blame my dad who has to work overseas and come back on a Wednesday at least. He'll be home during the weekends.
Blame my mom who has shifts.
Sometimes I don't even see her or talk to her for days. Our time did not clash. Haha...

Even if I happen to have both parents at home, I'll just be holed up in my roon, as they will be too. Either that or we'll be watching tv. Not that I indulge on it much. Lol.
See. Materials aren't the only things essential in life. I may have alot of that, but not much of quality time.

Not that it matter anymore now. I'm too used to it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some fucken kid who wants attention. I just realised my life at home is about... as lively as a dog's. Explain that tensed atmosphere when we went out dinner or anything. I'm the fool who was forced to put up a cheerful facade and break the tension and pretend there wasn't anything wrong.

Haha... I somehow realised how empty the house is when I get home, with no lights on, no one greeting me at the door with a smile, no one to ask me of my day, nothing special.
Maybe I should get a cat... Hahaha...

Don't mind me here.

ofblack&white
7:21 PM

Yesterday night it rained. As other days. I didn't sleep. Caught up with some Korean soap (which I frankly fell in love with). FullHouse. And also. I just cannot sleep. My insomnia haunts me again. But at least i have dreamless sleep now. I am cured in a way (??). Never you mind.

"Till we meet again." It sounds fucken sad. I should have been there on a fine Tuesday but I was not told. As usual. Lol. The way it is said, it was as if there was not any chance in meeting anymore. Is there? Maybe God knows.

Sleep now. I'll try to. Or I'll finish up that soap tonight. I saw Siti Norazamiyah last Friday :) It's been eons since I've last since her, even though she lived next block.

Will I ever be undenied of my wants one day? There was never once, where I could hang on tight to and never letting it slip away like sand.

ofblack&white
10:05 PM